Little Worksite on the Prairie

I am a creature much sought-after by advertisers: the Name-Brand Buyer. Since I was a boy old enough to take a bologna sandwich to school day after day (after day after day after day), those sandwiches have been unfailingly made with Oscar Meyer bologna and Hellman’s mayo. And as much as I love my laptop, I still use a lot of pens … but I will hunt through the drawer till I find a Pilot -- although in a pinch I’ll go for a Bic Z3. Also, I’m probably a “Toyota buyer” – although it’s hard to tell since they last so long we’ve only bought two.

In the movies, one of the brands I look for is Tom Hanks. According to imdb.com, I’m stunned to realize I’ve seen about 20 of his films. I’m not saying they’re all winners; do all in your power to miss Bachelor Party, The Man With One Red Shoe, or Turner & Hooch. And I’m not sure I’ll be making it to DaVinci Code, for that matter.

One I have missed to date, and which I might be safer to avoid entirely, is the 1986 Hanks/Shelley Long classic, The Money Pit. When it came out, we were apartment dwellers; since then we’ve lived in houses owned by our churches, so it never seemed quite relevant somehow. Now, however, I’m just too terrified to watch it.

About two years ago, we decided it would be great to have our own camp – somewhere to hide out, and a way to simplify vacation-time with two small children. So we bought a double-wide located near a lovely pond, not far from where we’re living. It’s not only a camp, but also a pointed lesson about perceptions, because where I see a quiet spot to get away, my wife sees a blank canvas.

When we were camp-shopping, we agreed we shouldn’t get a fixer-upper since neither of us is particularly handy. Little did I know she would become fanatical about developing those skills. Since then, we have experienced the following … ah, improvements (* - incomplete):

• Paint: Master bath (including trim and cabinets), master bedroom, kitchen, bedroom 1* , back porch, front porch (stain)
• Also in the master bath: light fixture, sink faucets
• Living room – paneling and trim*
• 2nd bath – wallpaper*, tub faucet

The outside has also experienced weeding, mulching, planting, digging up rocks… I can’t even recount it all. Suffice it to say that I made an enormous hit for her last birthday when I bought her a wheelbarrow. I was nuts to shell out for jewelry all those years!

On top of all that, it seemed kind of extravagant to buy a lawn mower for a camp, so I’ve been making do with a reel mower I bought some time ago to trim around the house. Now a reel mower – that is, the old-fashioned push mower with no engine – may be quite effective under some circumstances, but with uneven terrain and intermittent mowing leading to very tall grass/weeds, it’s roughly equivalent to cutting the grass with a steak knife. I might be better off if I just steal Bob Lanier’s basketball shoes from the NBA Hall of Fame and stomp the grass down (that’s mostly what the bar on the front of the mower does anyway).

Unfortunately I don’t think I have enough left in the bank to purchase a place to get away from the getaway, so for the time being I guess I’m still signed up for the work crew. There is one significant consolation, however: the kitchen is always stocked with Hellman’s mayo & Oscar Meyer bologna.