Vacationpalooza Tour 2010

The Family Summer Vacation is our annual phenomenon, and every year I attempt to make some sense of it in this space. But an experience so sprawling always proves elusive to summarize -- especially for someone like me who likes to be concise and brief and a man of few words and generally is not given to going on and on about something almost indefinitely until you finally are about to forget what the beginning of the sentence was.

Wait, what was I saying?

Oh yes... I was making the point that two weeks packed with adventures can even pose a writing challenge for someone such as myself, who is, you know, gifted with, like, words and stuff.

The basic structure of the trip does not change: the meat of the sandwich is several days at a beach house in North Carolina with "my side of the family" -- enjoyable despite the minor tensions inherent in putting 9 (related) people under the same roof. Every day we go to the beach, we read a lot, we eat, we talk and play cards, and at almost any given time someone is asleep. It's almost as close as any of us usually gets to turning off the main engines and simply idling for a prolonged period of time.

So it's doubtful that that portion holds any interest for anyone not related to me, or at least someone without an inordinate interest in sand castles (not that that's stopped me from the attempt in the past). But I thought it might be worthwhile to mention a few highlights from the "bread" of the trip sandwich -- the seemingly endless miles of interstate highway travel which we attempt to punctuate with Fun and/or Educational Experiences (and suite hotels with pools). The driving part of the trip was extremely grim, more than 1800 miles of travel split into not nearly bite-size chunks... but the Experiences seemed to be home runs across the board.

The first of these was the National Aquarium in Baltimore. As far as I can tell, they became the "National" aquarium essentially because they decided they would call themselves that... but they filled the bill and more. There were of course all manner of tanks full of beautiful or odd or scary marine life -- my wife was particularly mesmerized by the jellyfish -- but also a delightful and exciting dolphin show, and a couple of odd things: a rainforest habitat and a live show with native Australian animals. Come to think of it, I'm not sure they have any better grip on the concept of "aquarium" than they do of "national"... still, it was certifiably both Fun and Educational, and you don't see that every day. Frankly I have a hard time envisioning any visitor that wouldn't be captivated by a visit, and that's a pretty strong endorsement coming from me.

Since we were in such a rush to get to the beach, the second Big Adventure didn't arrive till the trip back: a visit to Sight and Sound Theater in Lancaster, PA. This was the trip my wife in particular had been yearning to make for several years. You might describe Sight & Sound as an attempt to bring the feel of the Broadway musical, mixed with a little bit of circus, to Biblical storytelling. The show we saw was Joseph, depicting his life from his conflicts with his brothers to slavery in Egypt to a respected position to prison back to a respected position to reconciliation with his family. It's a gripping story on the page... but presented on stage (multiple stages, actually) with scenery and costumes and music, and live animals, helps you understand and feel the story in a so much more visceral way. The show was thrilling and touching, one I think every Christian would certainly enjoy... and something I would urge on anyone who wasn't actively hostile to a story that revolves around faith.

The very next day saw Adventure #3, our third trip to Hersheypark (I should mention that we always start our Hershey day with a fun, and free, trip here). Hersheypark will remind you of basically every other amusement park: you've got rides, souvenir shops, shows, food... and you have to really keep busy all day long, not only to do everything but to keep yourself from thinking about the hurting they put on your wallet at the front gate (exacerbated this year by our 10-year-old being full-fare for the first time). Oddly, it was the one day of the trip that was not hot & humid, so some of the charm of the Intercoastal Waterway was diminished, but we still had a relaxing drift and also still hit the bumper cars and the Reese's Xtreme Cup Challenge and a bunch of entertaining shows. Our thrill-seeking 8-year-old daughter even ditched us long enough to get 2 roller-coaster rides and a trip on the Scrambler. It was a lot of fun even though we would have had to stay for another 3 weeks or so to get our money's worth out of it.

On the next & final day of the trip, dear old dad begged for a bit of Driver's Privilege. I've tried for the last couple of years to bend the trip to include the Martin Guitar factory tour but could never quite shoehorn it in with all the space Hersheypark takes up... but we were so close, and on our way home anyway.... I am a guitar player, and while Martin's a bit out of my price range, I appreciate them as wonderful instruments and works of art in their own right. The tour was an hour of walking through the factory with a guide who was once the plant manager (and should have invested a bit more of the salary in a better toupee). One of the neat features of the tour was that each person had their own headphones and the tour guide "broadcast" to us, which made it so much easier to know what was going on over the noise. Guitar-making these days is of course highly automated, but on the high end there is also a lot of hands-on craftsmanship -- to the point where it takes easily 3 months for one of their non-customized guitars to make it from pile of wood to finished instrument -- and we got to see both.

I now know much more about the guitar as an instrument than I did before, which was principally this: it makes no sense for me to buy an expensive one, because in my hands it sounds just the same as my (presumably non-craftsman-created) Yamaha that was $200 25 years ago. In fact, I think they disowned it because I can't find it on their website, although I did find it here and here.

We had other, smaller adventures along the way -- including coming home & then leaving the next morning for a camp weekend (including s'mores!) -- but these are the ones we'll remember when we look back...

... in a few weeks when the credit card bill arrives.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

When I was in college, I had been dating a certain young woman for a matter of some weeks when she suddenly -- at least from my perspective -- broke up with me. Since I hadn't seen it coming, I asked to get together with her to discuss it; that began a series of meetings and intra-campus mails (and if you think you wait for an answer in these days of cellphones/texts/email, you ain't seen nothing. I think intra-campus mail was delivered by actual snails).

After the 2nd or perhaps 3rd face-to-face, my roommate -- he of the quiet demeanor and dry wit -- said to me, "So, are you guys done breaking up yet?"

As it turned out, that particular breakup didn't take, and we stayed together about 6 months more before the final exit ramp arrived...

That whole scenario came to mind once more about 10 days ago as our breakup (this time not a case of "it's not you, it's me" but rather Circumstances Beyond Our Control) with our previous home & church seemed to reach its own final exit ramp.

See, this has really been going on since March, when we got the call and first realized we would be moving on... then she had her interview with the new church and it began to be real; then we announced it at The Old Place. Then the process of saying goodbye begins in earnest, and everyone wants to know what the new place is like but on some level what they really want to know is, you're not leaving us for someone younger and prettier, are you?

Before you know it, everything you do is The Last Time I'll Ever Do This, and the process of packing hammers it home every day almost like the sound of a door being slammed. Then comes the goodbye party and a struggle to put into words what we mean to each other; the last service, with the last sermon; and suddenly, very much before you can come to grips with what's happening, you find yourself standing in an empty house as two big trucks pull out with all your belongings and you close that front door for The Last Time Ever. And you cry.

At that point you'd forgive us for feeling, "OK, that was horribly painful but at least that part is over now and we can at last get on with the rest of our lives"... right? Not so fast. Because The Master Scheduler had us first to move, she actually had to go back one more time for the annual service/picnic in the park -- which of course prompts a fresh round of goodbyes. And in actuality, even after the service is over, there are still 10 days left in the month, and she's still officially pastor there, even though they've promised not to call except for emergencies.

So the breakup -- or maybe legal separation -- drags on. We're not living together any more, but the divorce (annulment?) hasn't come through yet. The following Sunday we're back in town for a graduation picnic, which is more goodbyes but also, in a more healthy way, a chance for us to describe and make real for them and us Our New Life. Is it possible that the break is finally complete...

... except we have to go back to the church One Last Time, at least as "our church", to drop off all the keys -- anything we still have that marks us as connected to this place. That unspoken meaning hangs around us like heavy fog as we bring stuff in & write explanatory notes to people & put this here & pile that there: this is the end of the end. After this, the breakup is complete.

And as we get to the front door -- now locked, and after it swings shut we will no longer have any way in... in several senses -- my son has stood it as long as he can, and he bursts into tears. Now my wife is holding him and sobbing out her own sorrow and grief. And I........ I seem to have forgotten how to cry, I so rarely do so anymore, ever -- but I wish I could. It would be such a welcome release to expel this huge pulsating mass of wistfulness and loss and pain and yes, even fear. Instead it sits in my throat and chest and expands till I can't swallow or breathe or even think.

Neil Sedaka actually had two hits with "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do". The first was in the early 60s, and if you listen to that version, it's a really bouncy uptempo pop song. The mood of the song has about as much to do with the subject of the song as tiger lilies do with tigers.

He cut it again in the mid-70s, this time as a slower, more reflective and altogether melancholy ballad. That's the one that has always grabbed me; it's a very affecting song. I think it captures in a visceral way how a prolonged breakup can also prolong and intensify the pain.

Catching the Bug

I'm living proof of the limits of heredity. My dad was in his day pretty good with cars. That was in an era when an actual person could look at an engine with just eyeballs and fix it -- and I don't think that's in any way diminished by the fact that in those days, "winterizing" meant "closing the rumble seat". As a teen, he worked in a garage; even when I was a kid, he could always ID anything on the road at a glance (often by year).

It may be just more pointless nostalgia but it seems to me that cars were more distinctive awhile back, and none moreso than the Volkswagen. The VW Beetle was responsible for the "punchbug" game (spot a Beetle and smack a companion). I hadn't even heard the term in years... but now despite the fact that most VWs are no longer in the insect kingdom, the company is trying to revive the tradition. Of course, since Bugs are now few and far between, they call it "punch-dub".

They can say what they want, but they can't control the people... so my son came home from school last week telling me about the Punchbug Game, and ever since then we've been playing each time we leave the house (One significant problem there is that, as I referred to earlier, all cars look alike these days unless you can zero in quickly on the hood/trunk ornament. Am I wrong about that? If so, feel free to correct me in the comments....).

It was only a matter of time until my daughter the competitor caught on to what was going on. Now she wants to play every second of car time. I'm finding that I'm up against a certain array of disadvantages:

• > My sunglasses, which I have to use for driving, are at least 3 prescriptions behind my new glasses
• > As the driver, I have a few other things to do
• > My reflexes, shockingly, are not quite as fast-twitch as once they were

Maybe the biggest disadvantage in playing against my daughter is that she has always been from the school of "shoot first, ask questions later." Basically if it has wheels and it has a roundish insignia, whap. That doesn't take away from the fact that she seems to be able to spot one from the next block... so taken all around I'm flying with one flap down these days. But I'm determined to get back in the game.

In a completely unrelated development, I rear-ended the car in front of me four times on the way home....

Feeling a Little Lost

I was reminded this week of something I wrote about a year ago, referring to the TV shows we make a habit of watching. Of the six I listed, ER ran its course last spring; Heroes, although valiantly protesting it wasn't dead yet, was apparently carted off a couple months ago; and we said a reluctant goodbye to our friends on a certain island (or maybe not) just days ago. So it appears that, on top of all the other landmarks I'm going to have to reprogram in a few weeks, I will also need to re-navigate the television dial (note to our younger friends: once upon a time, televisions had an actual dial! Leaving us with this charming anachronism).

As a longtime student of TV history -- not in an unattractive way, of course; as I have often pointed out, it's The Other Guy who gets obsessive... I'm an aficionado -- this has also caused me to reflect a bit on the nature of the series finale. As far as I'm aware, this kind of thing didn't happen in the early days of television. I Love Lucy was a beloved show, certainly, but I can't find any evidence that it had a finale in the modern sense. Same with Burns & Allen, Maverick, Perry Mason -- all popular programs I more or less pulled out of a hat and checked.

It's not like I'm going to really research it or anything ... but I believe the modern Finale Event dates to 1967 when The Fugitive concluded with a 2-part, cliffhanger finale. Part 2 was at that point in time the most-watched episode (by percentage of households watching) in television history... and it's still third among all series episodes behind the Cheers finale and "Who Shot J.R.?". Among other things, this points out the difference between the old-fashioned world of "You can watch anything you like, as long as it's on one of these 3 channels" world of true broadcasting, and today's environment where each viewer gets his own individual cable network.

Update: I just found these guys and they more or less agree with me on The Fugitive.

Of course, it's only an "important" show that merits a 'final episode'; others are just canceled. When I was a kid, the first big finale event I remember was The Mary Tyler Moore Show; I remember how highly anticipated it was, and of course it became the gold standard for final episodes. After that I tended to watch a series finale regardless of whether I ever watched the show much during its lifespan.... not really possible now with so many shows.

I guess part of what I'm getting at is that over the years, the concept evolved to where the final show was supposed to be a climactic event that summarized but also transcended the entire series; if you want to know how high the stakes have risen, recall the reception for the finales of Seinfeld and The Sopranos.

Into this environment comes the Last Lost -- a show that has specialized in raising its audience's expectations, an entire series based on an ever-growing pile of questions. I think you can probably take the expectation for Seinfeld and multiply it by the hopes for The Sopranos.

As it turned out, the show didn't exactly resolve every open question (of course, if they had really attempted to do so, the show would still be going on. Whenever you're reading this, still going on. Trust me on that one). It also didn't cure cancer, bring about world peace, or come close to satisfying every one of the people who have been blogging, and reading blogs, about it for the past several years. Yeah, I'm in that last group.

I'm also puzzled by all the speculation about what it really "meant"; was it not clear that everything on the island actually happened, and it was the "Sideways reality" that didn't really happen? Think about all the things that happened in the Sideways where we all said, "OK, wait a minute, that's really pushing the limits of plausible"... and it turns out that's because it didn't happen in the "real world".

And sure, I would've liked more "closure" -- although on the other hand, everyone dead is about as closed as you can get. While it was not everything I dreamed of, it did have some truly magical moments and afforded us a chance to say farewell to some beloved, and not all that beloved, characters, and watch them say goodbye to each other as well. I can't say that I felt like they owed me any specific outcome, so I'm not really "disappointed".

It's also worth pointing out that the Newhart final episode, which is widely considered to be one of the classics in the genre, was (at least in my opinion) interminable and boring, and is only remembered today for the brilliant final joke -- which may very well be the funniest moment in TV history; if not for that final sequence, I doubt the program would be remembered at all.

So what do you think the odds are that I can fill the the vacancies in my watching-list with even one new show that'll even have a series finale... much less one worth discussing?

Rolle with the Changes

All around us are some of the traditional features of spring: the lilacs are blooming, we've had the windows open, both my favorite (real) team and my fantasy baseball team are floating gently to the bottom of the standings (note: this last has only been "traditional" for the past couple of years). Another common May sight is the new college and grad school graduates sallying forth on the job search, armed only with their most-recently-written work of fiction -- their resumes.

We have a young friend just getting her Master's who's in the throes of the struggle as we speak. I suspect that she, like others of us, is pondering how close she has to get to her degree-field so that the degree won't feel like a total waste!

Not that I'm in any respect qualified to give career advice. I've been out of college for 27 years (give me a sec to recover from having typed, and realized, that) and in that span of time I've worked full-time for a total of less than four years. The most recent period of part-time work has been totally by my choice; but still, from a resume standpoint that's a little scary.

As a hopefully ex-jobseeker myself (I realized today that my job, which started in 1997, has been around longer than my home or my kids or my cars... or anything outside my marriage. This is a good thing because, as challenged as I am with change in general, nothing highlights my shortcomings quite like looking for work), I've taken a keen interest in the trials of others -- but my attention was piqued by the story of Myron Rolle.

Myron played football at Florida State University and was a star defensive back, and was thought to be a top pro prospect, likely a first-round choice in the NFL draft. Like many college football players, he actually graduated before his playing eligibility expired, and like many players he enrolled in graduate school.

The difference in this case was that instead of taking grad courses in physical education, Myron went to Oxford University as a Rhodes Scholar... and he didn't do it to extend his football career but instead gave up his last year of football to do it.

Rolle perhaps doesn't fit neatly into the football player pigeonhole. It goes without saying that he's very bright -- his ultimate goal is to become a doctor -- and that doesn't necessarily work smoothly with football culture, where the credo tends to be "tackle now, ask questions after you blow out your ACL". And in addition to his academic pursuits, he's also had some philanthropic achievements through the Myron L. Rolle Foundation.

So when he returned from Oxford after his time abroad and submitted his name for the NFL draft, there was a lot of discussion. Some questioned whether taking a year off from football indicated he wasn't sufficiently committed to the sport, and there were also fairly audible whispers that maybe someone that intelligent was not all that safe a bet in a coach-driven, follow-the leader world (where it must be said, there's virtue in taking orders, acting as one, not thinking for yourself).

And so it went that on draft day -- although because of the growing interest in the draft, and consequent TV-ification, there are now THREE DAYS of draft day -- Myron was actually chosen on the third day. In the 6th round, the 207th player chosen. In a spot where (and I'm asserting this entirely without proof, but also without much fear of contradiction), there were chosen ahead of him some guys with "records" of a less academic nature, and other guys who wouldn't have gotten into college at all without football, but very likely few with charitable foundations. Zero Rhodes Scholars, that much is indisputable.

For a lot of reasons I'm predisposed to feel like the guy got the short end of the stick; I flatter myself that I know what it's like to be looked down upon because of intelligence (although truthfully I suspect that my classmates might have seen me as odd for, ah, multiple reasons). And he clearly is a sort of Renaissance man (in a literal sense you don't see too often). I wonder, though, whether it isn't actually a wise move not to choose him higher. A high NFL draft choice is an investment of money, sure; but just as much it's an allocation of resources that can lead to disaster if it doesn't pay off in a long-term asset.

And of course, what you have here is the living embodiment of the cliche, "He can do anything in the world he wants to do." I can see why you might not want to bet the farm on someone who might decide in 2 years to quit and go to med school, or do charity work in the Third World, or... who knows? In fact, you could make the argument that the greatest good for the greatest number would be achieved if all the teams passed on him and let him get to work making contributions to more than just the Cover-Two defense.

The Now and the Not Yet

I am on record in this space that I have long since decided that I'm not doing the Funny Kid Blog here. Sure, it would be easy enough to do when surrounded by kids (OK, not exactly surrounded by 2 of them... and anyone with more than two would certainly scoff at me... but a lot of the time it feels like it). I could tell the tale of my daughter -- who's been talking since she was about 4 hours old, and who carries around a pad and pen for amusement -- taking an hour to write 3 sentences for a school assignment. Or here's a son story: we've been inflicting Little House on the Prairie and The Waltons on the kids lately as part of the ongoing quest to instill Old-Fashioned Values. In one such episode, John-Boy had a crush on a girl and sneaked in for a kiss... whereupon Our-Boy remarked in a low tone, "Well, that was a good one."

And so it goes. I don't know that there's a big market appeal for that kind of blog, and in some ways it's way too obvious anyway. In the same way, since we got the news to which I alluded in my previous post, it would be easy to write the "We're Moving" blog; after all, we think of little else. We've got piles of boxes around (with the result that the van is now permanently out in the driveway to make room) and it's certainly a recurring topic of conversation. Of course, everyone in the church kind of wants to work through it with their pastor, so by the time I get to her she's often kind of "moved out"... so sometimes I'm left to stew in it. And so I do.

Consider the children of Israel, when Moses led them out of their Egyptian captivity (all right, stay with me here a bit)... they got out into the desert, and before long they realized they weren't really getting anywhere. Even though they were told they were going to the (original!) Promised Land -- which by definition ought to be pretty cool -- they weren't there yet, and all they could think about was what they used to have.

In case it's not immediately obvious, what they used to have was slavery. Beatings if they didn't work fast enough. The Old Testament even points out that they were making bricks for the pyramids, and the overseers not only raised the brick quota but also made them find their own raw materials. Think of it as No Brick Left Behind.

Still, I'm keenly aware that if you stretch a simile even a little too far, it can snap back and put your eye out... so let me be clear that I'm not escaping from slavery here (nor is it entirely clear that the Promised Land is the destination). But that's also kind of the point: if it can be a challenge to get from torture to paradise, I can perhaps be forgiven for being a little hung up on the in-between when I'm starting from a very comfortable spot.

It may also be quite clear already that I most certainly don't seek out new frontiers just for the sheer exhilaration anyway. I probably established that for good and all about 30 years ago, when I worked at the same place for 6 consecutive summers. Or perhaps when I spent 11 years in my first career despite having a full-time position for exactly one out of the 11. Could it have been when I bought my fourth Toyota?

For all that, however, what we do know is that it's coming up (and closer every day) no matter what we do about it. I wrote about this very sensation four years ago when I compared myself to Wile E. Coyote. My timeline was off by just a bit, but my conclusion was basically sound. So here's what we're doing:

(1) Last Sunday, we went to visit the new church -- just to say hello and let them start to think of us as something besides an announcement in the bulletin. We met a lot of people (though it is to be hoped that they don't expect us to remember all the names!) and everyone was very welcoming. That was in some ways a very important step in transitioning to a new reality.

(2) Then we took the kids to tour their future home. They got to see where their bedrooms would probably be, and check out the back yard, and generally begin to put a face on this thing we've been telling them is coming.

(3) Then I went around the place like a complete maniac with a tape measure in my hand, and for the last week have been translating the measurements into floor plans, complete with tiny scale-model paper furniture. There's so much about this that seems to undetermined & undeterminable that it seems to both of us like having a real concrete sense (pun not intended) of our new home will begin to smooth the way.

The tricky part, of course, is that we're not dead yet...

We've still got about 7 weeks to go; we can't just pack all the boxes today and wait for this part to be over, we still have life to live and ministry to do and a lot of people here we're connected to -- while at the same time recognizing that an important part of that connection is going to be amputated before too much longer. We are definitely trapped with one foot in the now and one foot in the not yet.

I've talked before about the fact that time-traveling to the past can be surprisingly painful... nevertheless, it may still be easier than traveling to the future and back, no matter how much it costs these days to fuel up your DeLorean.

Hired to Be Fired

As is the case each year about this time (and mentioned in this space yearly as well), I have used an awful lot of time in recent weeks getting things prepared for the Fantasy Baseball league I administer. Really, though, once they begin tossing a ball down in Florida (and Arizona), everything in my world becomes kind of baseball-inflected. The fantasy season draws near; soon I'll be able to watch actual games; and even spring itself seems surely just about to round third base and head for home.

Maybe that explains why I'm identifying with baseball managers these days. It's early yet, but if some team gets off to a poor start, we may see our first managerial firing before too long. And if the victim is a particularly philosophical sort, we may even hear a popular line from the mythical Manager's Creed: "Managers are hired to be fired." That is, no manager lasts forever (well, Connie Mack ran the Athletics for 50 years -- spending most of the last several years napping on the bench -- but then, he also owned a chunk of the team); he knows on the day he's hired that the exit interview is already in sight.

Or maybe it's our more recent visit to the Mark Twain House & Museum that has me feeling like Tom Sawyer. As I recall -- it's been awhile, and I'm too lazy to research it -- Tom let the folks in his town think he was dead, and was gleeful at the prospect of attending his own funeral.

I suppose that all of that sets rather more of a foreboding tone than I really intended, so I should probably pause here to assure the reader that no one was fired and nobody's dead.

We have, however, been contemplating endings and transitions around here lately, because as was officially announced last Sunday, we will be moving this summer. We know that no pastor -- at least in our system -- stays forever in one place. It's not exactly "hired to be fired", but still the expectation is set from day one: someday you'll be moving on.

I told my wife that the announcement was a little like attending your own funeral, in that people are somewhat expected to say nice things about you... but I don't think she really wanted to contemplate her own funeral. I, on the other hand, would be burningly curious to know what's being said about me! As it turned out, several people were quite kind and gracious in ways that let us know that they weren't just "saying the right thing".

While the move is not unexpected, it bears some resemblance to the old joke about mixed emotions... we're moving with open hearts and open eyes, but at the same time it's wrenching to leave this place that has so much good about it. Had the call not come, we would've been happy to stay here in this place and minister among these people; in fact, I in particular have been pretty vocal about the concept that I wouldn't mind being "forgotten" and left here for the rest of my life.

Of course, that is only partly because I love it here and clearly some portion due to my general change-averseness (about which I have been equally vocal). And besides, the church here kind of brought it on themselves: they have become such a vibrantly healthy (emotionally as well as spiritually) bunch that it really made it possible for us to leave. If they'd been troubled, it would've been a lot tougher sell.

We're still in the process of selling to the kids, who've really never experienced this kind of move. Our daughter was 9 months when we came, and while the boy was 3 1/2, he doesn't remember it too well. I think he does remember viscerally how it pained him to lose his first home -- I know I do.

So we get the girl excited about the basketball court in the new church and the possibility of biking to school, and we tell the son that we'll be less than a mile from the mall AND ToysRUs. There will be a park nearby and some good friends living not far away. And I've stopped saying in Sunday night prayers, "Thank you God that we went to church and saw all our friends,".... because I don't want to remind them that (relatively) soon, we'll be going to church and seeing strangers. New friends, yes, but not that first week for sure.

We believe in our hearts that this new place is where God wants us to be at this time, although there's clearly a corner of my heart, at least, that has retreated behind a locked door. Can a "corner of your heart" put its fingers in its ears and go, "La la la I can't hear you!"? I guess I should have said above that we're going with mostly open hearts and eyes.

I have one little theological theory that I fall back on a lot, although no one else seems to much get why it's important to me. But I find it of great comfort: since God is beyond time and space, the concept of "today" is meaningless to Him. I am tied, at least physically, to today, no matter how tempting it may be to try to live in the past or obsess over the uncertainty of the future. God, however, is already there in that future. In God's world, it's "today" and "1983" and "this July"... so I don't have to be afraid even when uncertainty looms (although it seems that quite often I am anyway). I know there's already someone there who knows me and who's going to make all the pieces fit together somehow.

Giving, and Taking

Even I would have to admit that I don't always project the sunniest of dispositions. I'm not necessarily 100% John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band, but I do tend towards the theory that not only is the glass half-empty, but the milk is probably spoiled anyway.

Regardless, I don't think I'm being unjustifiably negative when I say that one of the parts of the year that really puts me through the wringer is vacation. I'm not talking about the physical toll of travel, or the financial drain, or the difficulties of enforced togetherness/small spaces; it's probably more self-inflicted than that. And this has been very much on my mind -- pressing down hard on my mind -- since we just did our 3-day Winter Vacation Trip last week.

I don't know whether it's genetic (a Guy Thing?) or learned, emotional or strictly mental, or even pathological, but I take a huge burden on myself whenever we travel. I spend loads of time before the fact, planning and researching, scheduling Fun Activities for the Whole Family, looking for that hotel room that's 10% nicer for $5 less -- then, of course, getting everything mapped out to the last possible turn (this time, I had 3 pages of printed directions... which I basically ignored in favor of the more, you know, electronic guidance of the GPS).

The day arrives and I am, ah... not bubbly... as I'm trying to get the last details nailed down and get us out the door On Schedule. I do virtually all the driving -- not because my wife won't, or because I don't trust her to, but because it just feels right to me to carry the load. I am in general a pretty confident, and I believe competent, driver; but always in the back of my mind is that we could get lost or break down or have an accident.

If one of the stops doesn't come off, if the targeted Children's Museum turns out to be a ball pit and a card table with a box of broken crayons on it, if somebody gets a lousy meal... all of that feels like a personal failure to me.

I'm sure a lot of that sounds like egomania -- making it all about me -- or some kind of messiah and/or martyr complex. Rationally I do know that plenty of stuff can go wrong that I have absolutely no control over, and I recognize that nobody's waiting to point the finger at me just because the thermostat doesn't work in the hotel room.

But in the midst of all that burden I felt myself carrying the past couple of weeks, I also realized that there's a healthy lesson to be learned as well, and it's this: there are times that it's more blessed to take than to give. That is, I realized that what I was doing, at least in part, was living out the role of Head of the Household (now there's a term you don't hear much these days, at least in a non-census sense) in the way it's really intended: not giving orders, but taking responsibility.

The New Testament talks about the man being the head of the woman, which is a concept that got twisted so far in a particular (and particularly uncomfortable) direction that I think it eventually went SPROINNGGG! and flew off behind the couch or something. Or at least we'd like to hide it there. But I think the real point of being the "head" is that I can serve my family by being the buffer zone, getting out front, taking the blow if necessary.

As it turned out, the vacation came off fine -- a couple complaints from the GPS, but nothing that couldn't be resolved by circling the block. So I can look at it as a lot of worrying for nothing, or I can see careful planning and concern for my family's well-being paying off.

And isn't it interesting that God can take "character flaws" and use them for positive purposes?

Bloglet: As the Swallows to Capistrano

I suppose I shouldn't feel so bad about it. After all, Robert B. Parker wrote 39 novels about the same character (is there a record in that category?), so obviously he wasn't afraid to revisit the same territory more than once. In fact, there were times in the later years where it wasn't immediately obvious that it wasn't just the same novel, with some of the words rearranged... but I may be undermining my own point. But even with all of that, he's probably my favorite up-until-recently-living author.

When I planned our honeymoon umpty-ump years ago (all right, it was 1987), I went to all the hotel chains nearby and collected their thick little books that listed every one of their locations. Then I paged through and found the most likely prospects and made a bunch of phone calls. After that, I sat down with my Rand McNally road atlas and plotted the route.

The final destination was Boston, and when we got there we found one of those tourist guides with a street map in it. At one point, my lovely bride said she thought it would be neat to put her feet in the ocean... so I looked at the little map and said, "OK, we'll go this way for a couple miles and then turn and we should be there."

And in 10 or 15 minutes, she had her feet in the ocean.

We're going on vacation in a couple days. I've spent hours on the Internet, Googling hotels, checking hotels.com, looking for reviews, and then actually making the reservation. Now I have to go to one of the map sites and print out detailed directions... of course, I'll still have my GPS running the whole time as backup.

So as you can see, I'm back around to one of my pet topics, as surely as the swallows (and clearly, the swallows have a better press agent -- not to mention better taste in vacation destinations -- than the buzzards): even as much as I've lived it and read about it and written about it, it still blows my mind how much the world has changed within my lifetime, or even half my lifetime.

I suppose in the case of the trip, it might be a change for the worse; I'm pretty proud that I put together a honeymoon trip basically just by my wits, rather than making The Computer do it for me. After all, somehow the swallows still don't need GPS.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Although I probably qualify in most respects as a geek (I suppose I could conceivably be a dweeb or even a dork, but I strive for my full potential), I never reached the heights of 70s geekdom, total absorption in Dungeons and Dragons. In fact, I've never played at all and truthfully don't even know much about it, except that about 20 minutes after its invention it became an easy shorthand for all things geek. Ironically I think my fatal flaw from a DnD perspective is probably that I don't have enough imagination to live in a fantasy world... I have a hard enough time imagining my present world. I am quite good at recalling and obsessing over the past, but there isn't a 20-sided die in the world that's going to bring that back to life, except in the loop playing in my own head.

My own personal gaming obsession started in about 1971, when I got a copy of Sports Illustrated Baseball. This was a board game that allowed you to play baseball games between any two actual 1970 team rosters. I loved it immediately and forced several friends to play it (regardless of their level of familiarity/interest in baseball). I became so taken with it that I created my own version, based on the 1974 rosters -- written on lined paper (notebook paper, with all the little lacy edgy things hanging off it), drawing in my own (occasionally-)vertical dividing lines for the columns...

It just occurred to me, why didn't I just use graph paper? Certainly as a junior high student I was aware of its existence....?

In any case, I wore out several green & red colored pencils coloring in little boxes on batting/pitching charts (green for hit, red for out, blue for strikeout). And naturally, by the time I finished all that painstaking work -- and I did finish it, I'm proud to say -- the whole thing was obsolete anyway. I'm not sure what year it actually was, but it sure wasn't 1974.

Then a couple years later, I switched to APBA baseball. I probably would've stuck with SI forever... but since we didn't have internet access in 1977, I had to take what I could find, and I'm pretty sure I stumbled on an ad for APBA in the old Baseball Bulletin. And as with SI, I played with friends every chance I got -- and if I didn't have that chance, I played it "solitaire" and managed both teams.

The best part for me, maybe, was that while I was playing, I was also doing a constant play-by-play -- which as I have previously written, has always been a passion of mine. "That will bring up Dave Kingman, who homered in the fourth for the Mets' only run. He's also struck out in the first and sixth... Here's the pitch from Carlton and it's a HIGH pop fly in the air to short left field... Bowa drifts back onto the outfield grass and squeezes it for the third out. For the Mets, no runs, no hits, no errors and none left on..." Maybe you think you can't see all that just from rolling a big red die and a small white one, then checking the result from a 2"x3" card against a big cardboard chart -- but I could.

I've sort of convinced myself that that was when I got in the habit of talking to myself, although I'm sure my mom could relate tales of muffled paragraphs coming from in utero. One way or the other, I am a confirmed self-talker; almost anyone who's spent any time with me could share an instance of coming upon me engaged in an animated monologue.

It's not as if I can really help it at this point. I'm working 100% from home now, and I don't really have much personal contact with others -- at least till the kids come home, and that puts a whole new spin on "talking to myself".

I do have periodic conference calls and virtual meetings, but most of the time I'm on mute, listening, anyway. But of course I am seldom mute myself; it's certainly far from unusual for me to be commenting on the proceedings to myself -- and as you can imagine, always & only in the strongest possible positive terms O:-).

All of that ranked merely as something between a charming character quirk and a sign of low-grade mental illness... until a call not long ago. I was on with maybe a half-dozen others, sitting on mute, waiting for someone else to "arrive". Then the "real" (home) phone rang, and since I was just waiting anyway, I answered it and handled the call -- on and off in less than a minute.

Then one of my callmates said, "Uh, Mark... we could hear all that. Did you think you were on mute?" Well, I was on mute -- at least according to the switch on my headset cord -- but they could hear me anyway. Apparently my frequent use of the mute switch, along with my constant fidgeting with it when not in a call, had worn down a connection or something so that I was no longer mutable. Immutable, if you will.

Which was fine; the call was routine and I hadn't said anything controversial or rude or... but then I started to think. OK, "think" is an overstatement; "panic" would be more accurate. How long had this been going on? Had I been sitting around making, ah, less-than-affirming remarks about people that they could actually hear?

And:

Why am I a person who would say things on mute that he wouldn't say if he knew he were immutable?

Fortunately the PC phone software I use has its own mute button, so I can override the headset's mute or lack of same. Still trying to find a mute button that will shut off the sound of that last question, however...

Into the eVortex

If there's one thing on which I pride myself, it's self-awareness. Granted, I've been vividly reminded just this week that knowing your shortcomings does not constitute a free pass for them... but that's a whole different issue. I've always seen myself as profoundly aware of my limitations (although, if I weren't aware of my limitations... would I realize it?) -- which shouldn't be news to anyone who reads this space "regularly". I haven't been too reluctant to share my foibles here.

For example, a few years back I wrote a prediction of what would happen if I ever got an iPod:

Perhaps more to the point, I just don't need something else that needs to be "managed". I'm sure it's supposed to be a selling point when they say how many zillion songs an iPod will hold, but all I can think is, "When will I have time to find the sites and find the songs and download them all?" And oh by the way, continue paying and paying. It used to be that if I wanted a collection of cool tunes, I'd go to Caldor or Ames and slap down $4.98 for the latest K-Tel album. A zillion songs times 99 cents is a daunting prospect.

Well, of course I did end up with an iPod, and I was able to distract myself for a year or more with all the music I already owned -- actually, I've hit 2 years of recording and I stillhaven't gotten everything I own digitized (although I've gotten all the good stuff, I think). But I've also been very intentional about not getting sucked into downloads; I've been afraid that I'd end up that alcoholic who just takes one little drink... and wakes up in the gutter 3 days later. I went for months not even spending iTunes cards, except to make CDs for the family. And frankly, right now I have $17.82 in my iTunes account and I've been a bit overwhelmed by the prospect of choosing 18 songs out of Every Song in the Universe.

So I guess I can't really explain what happened to me a few weeks back when I saw an ad in Entertainment Weekly for a free 7-day trial for emusic.com: 25 free downloads. Although I knew I would still grapple with the needle/haystack conundrum, there was something about the message that spoke to me -- it could have been the word "free". In fact, when I finally gave in and went to check it out, I even found that they had upped the offer to 35 free.

This would take planning on the order of the lead-up to D-Day. I painstakingly went through the database building a list of 35 target songs. I wanted to have the whole list plotted before beginning the 7-day term, so I could get in & get out with no danger of spilling into non-free time.

I started my quest with the songs I featured in that original pre-iPod post, and was delighted to see several of them listed; also a bit frustrated to see that some of the artists I sought were missing, or didn't include the albums/songs I needed, or the songs were there but listed as album-only. Nevertheless, with a little adjusting and scraping and resetting of sights, I was able to build a very enticing list of tracks.

So I found a 7-day window that I thought would afford me a chance to do the job before the clock ran out on me, and joined. Of course, I had to provide a Major Credit Card -- for identification purposes only. After the reg process was over, I started my shopping spree.

As I went back to the songs I had already scouted, I discovered that on top of all the other restrictions I had made my way around, some of my target songs were labeled, "We're sorry, but this item can only be downloaded using paid credits." I grabbed what I could and decided I'd better regroup... only to find that some of the songs I had already downloaded that claimed to be by original artists really weren't, and others were "rerecorded" versions that didn't sound much like the version I heard in my head that was the experience I was seeking to duplicate.

Brief pause -- make your own "voices in his head" joke.

So I went back through the database yet again, even more painstakingly. I reviewed my current collection to see if I was "missing" anything from my favorite artists, and I used the Genius feature in iTunes to suggest connections I might have forgotten (keep in mind, a lot of the music I was after is from what you might call Another Era -- although like most people my age, I prefer the term "classic" to "oldies").

Finally, I had a decent list of 35 assembled, but I also had a Shadow List of songs I really wanted that were closed off behind the "paid credits" door. So I concluded: what's the harm in one month of subscription music? The basic account provides 24 songs for $11.99 (i.e. 50 cents each, half of iTunes pricing). I knew I could make a very worthwhile list of 24 more, for a total of 59 for $12: basically 20 cents each.

So I finished off the free downloads, automatically triggering my first paid month. I had enough good stuff waitlisted that, even though I was still disappointed by some songs that were missing altogether, I was able to quickly knock off what I felt to be good value.

All that remained was the formality of canceling my account so I could be free of further charges, which I was planning to so "sometime this week"... until not long after, when checking my email revealed a message from emusic: "We've just added 10,000 new albums to our database! Click here to view..." etc.

In the immortal words of Carrie Bradshaw, "I couldn't help but wonder..."

So back I went into the database and, page by page, clicked through the entire list of recently-added, something like 900 pages, not counting my frequent detours into artist listings that looked promising (some of which were the very omissions that put me behind the 8-ball to begin with).

To make a long story almost exactly the same length, but maybe a little narrower, when the meter clicks over for 24 more songs (and 12 more bucks) in February, I'll be standing there with list in hand saying, "Please sir, I want some more."

No doubt there's some fresh sleight-of-hand awaiting me -- now you hear it, now you don't. Never fear, I'm planning to bring to bear on this problem the same resolve, determination, and strength of character that enabled me to join the Columbia House Record Club in 1978, and only stay in it until... last year, when the now-BMG club folded.

OK, technically, they really just transferred me to yourmusic.com, but I hardly ever go search the entire database. Three times a year, tops.

Toward a More Balanced Mii

I've never been much of an ice skater. It wasn't something our family really "did", and I was 10 or 11 before I went the first time. So if I had to add it up, I might have skated 30 or 40 times in my whole life. I like it all right but I've never gotten any good at turning. Or stopping. Or, really, going in a straight line (and anything fancy is Right Out).

Despite my almost complete dearth of skills, I have always prided myself on one skating accomplishment: I never fall. I've gotten hurt a few times keeping myself from falling, but I never fall.

I've always used that to claim excellent balance... which unfortunately got blown away recently. I have to confess that, as part of our family's observance of the Holy Season of Christmas, I bought a Wii. And I attempted to justify it to my wife (not to mention myself) by also purchasing a Wii Fit Plus. You know, so I can do that daily workout that only lack of opportunity has prevented up to now.

So I busted it out Christmas night to get to work. First you have to be evaluated, which isn't way more fun than being evaluated in the doctor's office -- the only real advantage is you don't have to be in your underwear (although, on the other hand, nothing's stopping you).

According to the finest medical advice available via an anthropomorphic balance board, I lean a little bit to the left. My BMI was acceptable, although the virtual taskmaster pointed out that I could drop a point or so (i.e. several pounds).

But I really came a cropper when it came time for the balance evaluation.

The balance test works a little like a carpenter’s level: you lean to one side to keep the two bubbles, representing the weight on each side of your body, within a certain range. That is, there might be a rectangle representing 70-80% of your body weight on the left and a corresponding rectangle for 20-30% on the right. If you shift just so, your bubbles land in the target range, then you have to keep it there for 3 seconds.

I thought I was doing OK, but the target ranges got narrower and further unbalanced, and I struggled. The clock ran out and the machine announced to me that it was calculating my Wii Fit Age (while my Mii, the avatar that represents me onscreen, squinted under a spotlight with a drumroll). The Wii Fit Age is supposed to represent the relative fitness of your body – or, in the words of Satchel Paige, “How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you was?” – and mine was revealed to be… 51.

While I was relieved not to come up 79 or something, I was definitely disappointed to be older than my chronological age; needless to say, I repeated the test immediately and got myself down to a more palatable 46.

Since the Wii Fit Plus provides games for improving balance, I thought that in the spirit of self-improvement I’d give them a try. The first was for heading a soccer ball – move your head from side to side to connect with the virtual soccer balls coming at you (while dodging the occasional shoe).

The onscreen instructions remind you to clear enough space and make sure you get warmed up first, but leave out the most important suggestion:

Have your spouse leave the room.

She wasn’t really paying much attention, but as I bobbed & weaved (wove?), seemingly always mixing up my zigging with my zagging, I suppose she couldn’t help noticing. I’d like to think that if she could have helped laughing out loud, she would have, but I imagine the sight of my ineptitude was too much for anyone to bear.

At the end of the round, the verdict, on a scale of 1-4 stars, was one star, officially designating me as: Unbalanced. Which I’m choosing to interpret in a literal sense, but which certainly leaves itself open to alternate explanations.

I wasn’t much better at the other games like slalom skiing, ski jumping, or floating down a winding river in a huge bubble. I did OK in tilting the table to roll the balls into the holes, which got me all the way up to 2 stars – Amateur! – but for the most part, I was certifiably Unbalanced.

Well, there’s two ways you can go with that: “Yeah, what do you know?” or “I’ll show you.”(Option 3, not being affected by a game’s opinion, is not available to an Unbalanced person). I’m going to keep at it in the coming weeks & months, and when I’m all the way past Amateur – or I drive my Wii Fit Age down under “Needs Bifocals”… trust me, it’ll be Stop the Presses news in this space.

TFD - Finding the Season

As a preacher's kid, and a preacher's spouse, and a just plain regular churchgoer, I figure I've heard the story of Christmas -- not the one with the 8 or 9 tiny reindeer in it -- as many times as anyone possibly could in the past 47 years. So there is a danger for me of becoming like the fish who doesn't really think about water... it's just "there", you know? Then you add in all the stresses and responsibilities and peripherals of the season, and all of a sudden it's December 28 and, hey, what just happened here?

So I've made it something of a quest to find bits and pieces in all the Christmas I'm swimming in that bring the truth of Christmas to me in a new way, or maybe just the same old way but a way that somehow resounds for me. I thought I would share some of these; perhaps one will strike a chord in you as well.

I do have one powerful advantage: I now have over 300 songs (well, not 300 distinct songs; for example, I have 18 versions of "Silent Night") in my Christmas playlist and -- speaking of immersion -- have been listening constantly since the beginning of Advent. As I do, I listen for nuggets of truth in addition to cool tunes.

But the quest actually started with this phrase singing hymns in church: "where meek souls will receive Him, still the dear Christ enters in." Keep in mind that one of the highlights of my season so far has been that one Christmas wall decoration with a punctuation mistake in it didn't make it on the wall this year (and I was already a certified grammar/punctuation/spelling geek) ... so it surprises me a little that the point of this sentence hinges on punctuation, and I've been missing it. It is the end of the 3rd verse of a 2nd-tier carol, so I have a small excuse. Plus, the way the music is phrased makes it sound like this: "Where meek souls will receive Him still, the dear Christ enters in."

That makes it sound like all the perseverance -- the continuing action -- is on us. That is, we're still receiving Him. Good for us! Oops... look again: comma after "Him", which is to say it's Jesus who's still continuing to enter. It's not on us, it's on Him -- and He is faithful to fulfill His part of the bargain.

Two more seasonal truths come from my favorite Christmas album -- do I even have to say it? I've written it all before. Steven Curtis Chapman's "Precious Promise" tells the story of when first Mary, then Joseph, then the shepherds, then the whole world get the news of Jesus' birth. In Mary's verse, we find this line: "But her questions and her fears are met with an overwhelming joy that God has chosen her."

Like anyone, she had questions and fears; what made her special was not that she immediately reported for duty without questioning... but rather that she was able to question, and also able to let that joy permeate her to the extent that it pushed all the fear right on out. Maybe the key faith issue is: which voice do you want to listen to? Your own, or the still, small voice...

The other Chapman lyric which speaks deep truth to me comes from "Our God Is with Us": "And we will never face life alone now that God has made Himself known as Father and friend, with us to the end -- Emmanuel." The Christmas story is full of miracles, of course, but the central one is this. I'm not going to bother to look this up, but I'm pretty certain I've written about this before -- not because I'm short on ideas (or at least not solely for that reason) but because it continues to blow my mind. It comes down to this: God loved us so much that He couldn't just watch "from up there" as we struggled our way through life. He cared enough to send the very best: himself. Not science fiction, but the God of the universe fitting Himself into a newborn baby. If you can't feel the synapses in your brain popping like old-fashioned flashbulbs thinking about that, don't bother with the SyFy channel.

And if you do feel that popping, imagine how Mary must have felt. One of my favorite Christmas Scripture verses is, "But Mary treasured all these things up and pondered them in her heart". I can tell you what day it was when my daughter's teacher called to say she'd become a "leader" of her kindergarten class (in three days of school); I know where I was standing when my son's 2nd grade teacher made an emotional speech recognizing him as Most Improved Student; I can only imagine what it would be like to have shepherds and wise men and angels show up. But that's really what I'm striving to do in this season -- to treasure the story up in my heart anew, to ponder it all over again. And I pray you won't let the season slip by without doing the same.

TFD: A Transitive Verb

I don't claim to be the most widely-read guy in the world... but I do read in a lot of different formats. From Facebook to the Internet as a whole -- from Sports Illustrated to TV Guide -- from Newsweek to Entertainment Weekly to the daily newspaper -- I get a pretty broad exposure to what's being written from week to week.

But even if you didn't, you'd probably guess that the subject (or at least the hook) for a high percentage of current writing this week is Thanksgiving. Everyone's talking -- throw in TV if you like -- about the things in their lives, or the movies or TV shows, that they're thankful for. Even the political stories are telling you what politician X ought to be thankful for in current events.

It seems to me, however, that in the majority of cases there is something conspicuously absent in all the ink/pixels expended on thankfulness: an object. Now I suppose I could be totally wrong on this semantically -- although it doesn't appear so -- but my gut reaction is that giving thanks is completely meaningless without someone to accept the thanks.

On some level, I believe most people get that. Because I read not only TV Guide but also Entertainment Weekly, I'm privy to many profound utterances by the Hollywood Crowd; not to sound like I should be chewin' tobacco & wearin' overalls or anything, but my experience is that Them Thar Fancy Showbiz Folks have a heightened tendency to be thankful to karma, or positive energy, or the universe. Not sure exactly where The Man Upstairs/The Big Guy in the Sky fall into that continuum, but I think it's all a way to backhandedly acknowledge the seemingly self-evident fact that blessings don't just materialize out of the sky; every gift has a corresponding Giver.

I don't know that I've done an awesome job in my life of Celebrating Thanksgiving; that is, we don't usually have an extended family time of rehearsing our gratitude as we gather for the feast. By the time I get the turkey on the table, mash the potatoes, whip up some gravy and accidentally leave the rolls in the oven too long, I'm not always welling up with an overwhelming emotion of thankfulness (and everyone else has long since forgotten what we're celebrating). I do try, however, to remind the kids from day to day of all the wonderful things we have -- even the beauty of the world around us, which God gives us as a completely optional gift... not because it's "necessary", but solely for the purpose of our enjoyment.

So as the day approaches, by all means take some time to reflect on all the good things in your life -- but don't forget to direct the message of thanksgiving where it really goes. Oh, and also, don't forget to take the rolls out of the oven.

Making It Official

Over the years – and yes, my fourth Blogiversary is approaching; I’m thinking of registering at the Apple Store – I haven’t said much about the Ginormously Extensive corporation I work for. I mean, I could try your patience by Giving Extra hints and such, but I’m not really sure it’s worth Great Effort to see if I can, ah, make the light bulb come on for you.

Suffice it to say that my Generous Employer is also one of the sponsors of the upcoming Winter Olympic games; they have even provided me with a screensaver that informs me that it’s exactly 87 days till the Games open. You probably didn’t realize that unless you were either an Olympian yourself, or you had a pretty good idea where to get a bet down on luge.

This means, by the way, that if you’re looking for a gallon of paint between now and March, you might better try Lowe’s.

Another sure harbinger of an approaching Olympics – besides NBC putting on lousy prime-time shows so you won’t feel deprived when they’re pre-empted for two weeks – can be seen in advertising. For the next 3 months, you’ll be seeing glossy spreads for the Official Panty Hose of the Winter Olympics, and logos on the end of TV commercials for the Official Motor Oil of the Winter Olympics.

I was thinking I ought to declare myself the Official Blog of the Winter Olympics. A lot of times, they break these things up into market segments to, um, maximize revenue, so I’ll take either “(10 or Fewer Regular Readers)” or “(2 or Fewer Monthly Posts)”, whichever one hasn’t already been bought.

I’m pretty sure that if I made any Official claims, I’d get tracked down & sued, even way down here at the last off-ramp of the Information Superhighway, and I clearly don’t have the revenue to pay my way in (although I’m sure that the rest of the Official products were chosen because of their quality and not due to any financial considerations), so instead maybe I’ll turn the concept on its head.

I have already declared in blogs past the Official Airline of Random Access, as well as the Official Hotel, but I just felt the urge to declare a few more categories, as follows…

Official Auto of Random Access – I have hinted at this in the past, but there’s no question that it’s Toyota. Toyotas are safe, predictable and boring… I can’t imagine why that resonates with me. Of course, it's me, so I really pushed the envelope -- I got one of these. And it looks like this.

Official Snack of Random Access – Since I began working at home (initially part-time in 1999, but then permanently beginning in 2003), I have demonstrated with clarity that I am not discriminatory with regard to snacks. Candy, cookies, donuts and chips alike; if it can be held in one hand while typing with the other – or, failing in that, if it can be found in the cupboard – it has a treasured place in my daily schedule. However, my first love dating from my childhood has always been the salty/greasy food group… and the one that stands above the rest is Fritos. Fritos rank high on both the salty & greasy scales, of course, but they also have a satisfying crunchy substance to them, plus corn is also a vegetable, so they’re actually good for you (they're even vegan!). The Scoops are OK in a pinch, but not preferable, and naturally-- this is me we're talking about -- the flavored varieties aren’t really Fritos at all.

Official Store of Random Access – For those of you in the Upstate NY area, this will comes as no surprise; the rest of you may be mystified. I visit my nearby Stewart’s with almost unimaginable frequency. As of this writing, the last time was… 4 hours ago. Stewart’s produces their own milk, which we purchase roughly every two days, but they’re also excellent for their bread and eggs. And locals are amazed that I’ve gone this far without mentioning Stewart’s excellent ice cream, available both in half-gallons and OTC. Come to think of it, each member of the family can get one of their favorite things there, so I guess we really don’t need to go anywhere else.

Official Tech-Gadget of Random Access – Again, this one’s no surprise, for multiple reasons. I’m on record with multiple rhapsodies about my iPod Nano… plus the iPod Nano is basically the Toyota Camry of high-tech. We’re not talking Blackberry or iPhone or some awesome Windows 7 laptop, or even a Wii; just an iPod, and a last-generation one at that (don’t get me wrong, if someone leaves one of those others on the doorstep overnight, it’ll find a home). Honorable mention here goes to the Xitel inPort, the gadget that allows me to convert 20 years of vinyl and cassette memories to ones and zeroes to fill up (and overflow) that iPod.

Official Beverage of Random Access – When I was a kid, I drank a good amount of soda, particularly Coke (and just as particularly, not Pepsi). As time went on, I found that carbonated drinks very often have a harsh effect on my stomach... and also discovered the wonders of iced tea (always with sugar & lemon). The instant versions are easy to replenish, which is a huge advantage; one of the reasons I don’t drink alcohol is that when I have something to drink, I often drink in quantities that would be pretty unmanageable in an intoxicant. Later I progressed to home-brewed versions, but nowadays if I have to choose one drink, it’s this one – which is, much like my blog entries, sweet and tart both, and Made from the Best Stuff on Earth.

Official Blog of Random Access – I do like to read and re-read my own stuff, I cannot tell a lie. Well, I can, but there’s no advantage in this case. And at the rate I publish, it would be a lot more re-reading than reading. So I do enjoy others, but the best is Joe Posnanski, who recently left the Kansas City Star for Sports Illustrated. Yes, he writes a lot about sports, but also about music, people, writing,… as I find myself saying a lot when I read someone really talented, his writing is basically what I wish mine were. Also -- despite having an actual job writing -- he posts a lot more often than I do.

It occurs to me now that, rather than having to pay to be an Official Blog, I've actually just endorsed a bunch of stuff, so I guess I can sit back and wait for the checks to roll in. Or I'll accept in-kind donations (although a "lifetime supply" of Fritos would probably doom me to a pretty short life). I promise if I do get the cash, I'll plow it right back into the business; maybe I can even scrape together enough to pay to be the Official Blog of Biathlon or curling or one of those sports nobody cares about anyway.

Ready... or Not

Not long ago, one of my Facebook friends celebrated her 21^st birthday – believe it or not, not all of my friends remember black & white TV and rotary phones. Of course, I had to remark on this milestone from the lofty perspective of my double-21-plus, so my response was: “You’re an adult now… go pay some bills or something.”

Ah, if only it were that simple.

The adult part, not the paying bills part – that never gets any simpler. The fact is, I’ve found myself continuing to struggle with all that’s involved with the word “grownup”. And there’s no question that it’s getting pretty late in the day for that; there aren’t too many places I go any more where I’m the youngest person in the room! It’s probably more common for me to be the oldest.

My daughter is in 2^nd grade and she’s told me several times that she’s worried about multiplication, i.e. 3^rd grade. I always tell her: don’t worry; when it gets here, you’ll be ready. I figured that growing up was the same way -- I just assumed that when you got to be an adult, with adult responsibilities, you’d feel somehow ready for it. When I was a kid, the adults around me (and I actually spent a lot of time, with many different adults in my life) seemed so grounded and serious and, you know, grown-up. They went to work every day because that’s what adults do – dressed in very serious grown-up clothes — and they made decisions without seeming to wrestle much with it, and just generally appeared to me to be in charge… masters of their domain, if you will. And really, really old, too, of course, but that’s just the default kid perspective.

I get this thrown in my face frequently, in a lot of different ways. Parenting is the daily one; being a parent is a constant series of “Is this allowable? Is that a good idea? Is the other necessary?” kind of decisions, and of course unrelenting responsibility… you need to come up with the Right Answer, quickly, and in a way that at least leaves the illusion that you’re in control!

Over the last 6 months or so, I’ve had several trips for work: flights, rental cars, hotels, business meetings. It seems like especially in the airport, I’m conscious that I want to look like a smooth, confident, well-traveled businessman… but inside I’m pretty sure that I’m going to trip over my shoelaces or have my briefcase fly open or something.

I still have a little video playing in my mind of the time I was rushing to the gate because boarding had already started, slipping into my place in the moving line just in the nick – only to realize that my flight was boarding at the gate across the way. Got almost to the agent taking boarding passes before I figured that one out, and as a result just barely made my (correct) flight!

And I’ve mentioned before that our camp is something of an ongoing project; recently we’ve concluded that there are some things we need to do that we can’t really do ourselves. So we need to hire someone to do the work… and I realized: I have no idea how to do that. Doesn’t it seem like a grown-up would know how to find someone and how to evaluate whether they’re fit for the job?

For that matter, a mature adult would probably know better than to write 600 words about how he doesn’t feel very competent.

I suppose this probably sounds like the typical mid-life crisis – a guy gets halfway (oh, all right, a little more than halfway) through his life, assesses the cards he’s been dealt, and asks for a new deal. But I want to make clear that’s not really what I’m talking about. I like my cards; I like being a husband and a dad and having a good job and owning cars and the like. If this is the hand I’m dealt, it would be hard to imagine a much better one.

I just can’t shake the feeling that everyone knows how to play their hands but me…