The Battle of the Ballroom, Part II

If you haven't already read Part I, go check it out now. Oh, come on, you can just scroll down; you don't need a link, do you? I can wait....

So I was waiting for the beginning of the tournament when I discovered something I enjoy even more than Sudoku -- free food. Of course, it kind of amazes me how we can delude ourselves about these things: I paid $25 to get into the event, and while I eventually found out there would be prizes, I'll bet they got a lot of stuff donated. I can tell you for a fact that while I hit the freebies pretty hard, I didn't get 25 bucks' worth out of it.

On my way back from the snacks, I mentioned to the reporter that I was there in part because I knew it would make good blog fodder. He wrote that down and even took my URL, but said he couldn't guarantee a mention. I was not surprised by that (nor by my omission entirely from this morning's feature story). I think what he was really looking for was someone to say, "I discovered Sudoku in your newspaper and it's brought me so much pleasure!" But since I didn't, and since their puzzle is generally so easy it's hardly even entertaining, I didn't give him the hook he was looking for.

Soon we were under way -- they distributed the Round 1 puzzle and we all began to work. This first one was pretty simple and, although I got off on the wrong foot by putting a 1 in a box that already had a 1, I got straightened out and quickly hit a respectable rhythm. I was probably 75% done and feeling good, when...

... the first person finished. Then another, and another, and.... I realized I had forgotten something crucial. I'm thorough. I'm methodical. I might even be called reliable; I almost always solve the puzzle eventually. However, I've never been called a fast mover, or particularly speedy -- at anything. As my shot began to slip away -- in the middle of the first round! -- I was able to turn up the dials in time to finish in the middle of the pack. The first 5 finishers get 7 points each; I was in the second (5-point) group. Then we all waited for the hapless 3-pointers to finish, or not finish as the case might be.

OK, not lost yet. Just gotta buckle down, pick up the pace a little. Round 2: the puzzle's a little more difficult, the results are exactly the same. The same woman finishes first; I wind up in the dead center again. We take a break, fortunately, for I've started to notice an uncomfortable sensation inside my skull. While I'm working the puzzle at (my) top speed, I can feel my synapses snapping and crackling like the power lines and tree limbs in our recent ice storm. Is it just the aging process? Or encroaching mental infirmity? I don't suppose it matters -- the warranty has long since expired and this is the grey matter that's going to have to get me through my Golden Years. I have to guess that my Blue Book trade-in value is close to zip at this point, as well.

For the results of Round 3, see also Round 2. And Round 1. Same winner, same clueless group bringing up the rear -- and me bobbing ineffectually around the median. As a math guy, I can't help but think of the statistics involved: the Spearman rank-difference coefficient of correlation has to be astronomical for this group, if you know what I mean, and why wouldn't you?

However, I'm still thinking that I might be able to creep up into 4th place, and one of the prizes, if I catch a break in the fourth and final round. And I get off to a lightning-fast start in Round 4; I might still be able to pull this out. Of course, this puzzle ... doesn't seem... all that... hard? That's when they announce: Oops, we gave you the final puzzle from the kids' event earlier. Misdeal!

We wait for the replacement to be Xeroxed at the front desk. and I wonder if I have any gas left in the tank. And when it finally comes down -- I could've had jet fuel, it wouldn't have made any difference. It was probably the hardest puzzle I ever saw; you know the phrase about "nowhere fast"? I was getting nowhere, excruciatingly slowly. The time was dragging on like I was at the opera.

It seemed no one was getting anywhere, so they announced we'd take a couple minutes to finish up, then score the round on the basis of how many correct numbers we'd filled in. At this, the guy across the table said, "I'll just start filling in numbers, then!" But I stubbornly stuck to my method -- what I would I prove by guessing right anyway?

Final score: me 9, Random Fill-In Guy 30. In fact, I believe I had the lowest (reported) total of anyone. So for the day, I wound up in a tie for 9th out of 15. That's even a lower rank, percentage-wise, than when I competed in the City-Wide Spelling Bee in 6th grade... and goodness knows I haven't recovered from that yet. I can tell you what place I finished in, and out of how many, and what word I missed (and why I missed it) -- but I'm not talking about it. I'll just say sometimes the people they have announce the words at these affairs talk kind of funny.

I did, however, win one of the door prizes: the book the puzzles were taken from, and an extremely tiny and cheesy Electronic Mini-Sudoku (I'm talking "attached to a keychain" tiny/cheesy). Plus, I did something for myself (and by myself -- not at all to be taken lightly). Also, I got a Coke and 3 M&M cookies absolutely free, if you don't count the $25.

And if the 8 people who finished ahead of me are unable to fulfill their duties as Champion -- maybe they'll get disqualified for using calculator watches or something -- I'm ready to step in and wear the crown.