Not Quite the Fortress of Solitude

The trend is definitely exacerbated in the summertime, but it seems to get harder every year to find a television program with actors and, you know, scripts and things. "Unscripted" television (the industry term for what you and I call reality TV) is all the rage these days, of course. If that troubles you, keep in mind it could be worse: we had a reality boom once before, and all we ended up with that time was "Real People".

I still remember when "Survivor" debuted. I don't think even CBS was expecting much -- after all, it was the dead of summer -- but I was hooked instantly and so was seemingly everyone else in America, and the trend has mushroomed from there.

While there is much to dislike about many reality efforts and the genre itself, especially the way the contestants have gotten increasingly self-aware/conscious/referential, on balance I am enough of a fan that I try to check out a lot of the new ones, and end up watching several on an ongoing basis. At some point I will probably gather my thoughts about the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Recently I got to watch the debut of another new one entitled, "Who Wants to Be a Superhero?" It's a competition show with a group of "ordinary"... no, "average"... wait, "normal"? Well, let's just say they're civilians. They say they want to be comic-book style superheroes; they show up with their own persona and corresponding costume, ranging from "Captain Victory" and "Creature" to "Monkey Woman" and "Cell-phone Girl".

After one episode I'm still trying to determine how serious everyone is, and what is strictly tongue-in-cheek, but I'm intrigued enough to stop in again. Part of my interest stems from the fact that superheroes are big business around here.

Our son is 6, and our daughter is 4, and they spend much of their waking time playing with a wide assortment of action figures. And the assortment gets wider every week -- they can't wait for Saturday to arrive so they can hit garage sales to recruit more new "guys" for the Task Force. Some of them are good guys, some of them are bad guys -- although this is extremely fluid -- and some of them seem to be the dad of some of the others. This is also fluid, but our superheroes at least seem to feel the need to form impromptu family groups.

As parents we applaud the exercise of creativity indicated by the constantly-changing storyline -- not to mention the idea that they can play together for a period of time (hopefully even without a great deal of Adult Intervention). It also made me, as a parent who naturally wants the absolute best for his children, visualize my own "guys" as superheroes. What might be their secret identities?

Possibilities for my son:

• The Human Alarm Clock -- We never set our alarm any more, for we know without doubt that Our Boy will be in our bedroom every day precisely at 7 a.m. And by "precisely", I mean after the clock hits 7:00 but before the second zero turns to a 1. Who knows, that might be a superpower that would come in handy at the Justice League clubhouse.
• Needle Man -- Not the kind that is used with thread, unfortunately. No one has, or could have, more skill at getting under his sister's skin. This would come in handy if she ever becomes an Archvillain, but I suppose it's possible that he could use it to frustrate other evildoers as well.

Options for my daughter:

• Siren -- I am, as you may have noted, a boy, and my sisters are enough older that I never really grasped a basic fact about girls: girls shriek. When she is angry, her voice can climb the scale... well, the cliche is that only dogs can hear it. I can tell you that I can hear it (not understand it, but hear it) but I'd just as soon not. The only thing more piercing than her angry shriek is... her happy shriek. I'm quite sure there's a way to use that skill to fight crime; maybe she could shatter the windshield of the getaway car.
• Monkey Girl -- Yeah, I know, that one's already taken (at least till that other chick gets bounced off the show). But I'd be foolish not to leverage her most outstanding skill: she loves to climb and clamber, and I can tell you from personal experience that she can use that talent to immobilize someone. Especially when you take into account the high-velocity impact she makes when she approaches her unsuspecting target.

If I'm dreaming big, I have to confess it's not just on behalf of the kids. I also figure that since superheroes seem to enjoy such a lavish lifestyle, in my old age I'm at least guaranteed the apartment over the Batcave.