No Kingdom, No Magic (Part III)

I’ve never, ever had to break one post into three pieces. I’m only grateful that this is not in Word so you can’t see how many words it actually is. And at this point, I’m only about 12 hours into a 2-day business trip, so I’m sure it looks like it’s going to end up like the Encyclopedia Britannica.

After a few hours of semi-fitful sleep, in the morning I meet a couple of my co-workers and we head off in a rental car to breakfast. We are a few blocks along before we realize that none of us really has a clue where we’re going, and we’re each mostly waiting for the other to take charge. We wander aimlessly enough that we have to call the hotel to ask them how to get back; by chance, we run into a 7-11 and decide to give up and stop for donuts etc.

Let’s recap how well we are meeting our objectives so far, shall we?

• Comfy hotel room: not so much
• Housekeeping picking up after me: don’t hold your breath
• Ample expense-account meals: I did have a second donut. Um, and later, an apple fritter, and a couple pieces of chocolate, and 3 of those cookies the size of hubcaps... but I digress. Fortunately, any food eaten in a conference room doesn't count -- more on that in a moment.
  

And although we didn’t mention “balmy Florida climate” as a primary objective, I’m compelled to point out that it rained almost all that day as well… or perhaps the skies were merely weeping in sympathy. Of course, it could be worse: the second day was lovely weather, but since it was experienced almost entirely through the conference room window, I didn’t get much benefit.

As for the meals, the meeting hosts had sandwiches brought in for lunch both days, which fell well short of deluxe but was at least catered by Panera and quite tasty. And the one dinner the team went out for was mind-blowingly delicious. Pursuant to my standard Road Policy, I ate until I was full and then continued for about 1000 calories more (causing me to wake up sick in the middle of the night…and I would do it all again in a heartbeat, assuming it continues beating).

The meetings themselves were pleasant and productive enough and not very interesting in this context. There’s probably something funny to be said about PowerPoint presentations and project plans, but I’m trying not to turn into a complete Dilbert here.

With regard to the trip home, perhaps the less said the better (although as a general principle it’s certainly too late for that). I will say this: US Airways is the Kmart of airlines. They’d like you to think they’re “thrifty” and “no-frills”, but mostly they’re shabby and dirty and just putting in time. Have you ever heard of that old illustration about monkeys and typewriters – if you have enough monkeys, eventually by random chance you get all the works of Shakespeare? That’s USAir’s business plan: take a bunch of planes and some people wearing uniforms, then find people with a wad of cash and the need to get somewhere; eventually, just by random chance, somebody’s gotta make it home, right? The generally haphazard air is accented by the cattle car ambiance – except I’m pretty sure cattle would take one look and say, “No thanks, we’ll walk.”

Every stewarde… oops, flight attendant… can do the whole spiel in her sleep, and often does. In this case, the “welcome to your destination” message included an apology for being late – and it didn’t sound like she had to reach back too far into her memory to recall the correct phrasing. It turns out that the departure/arrival times on the tickets and schedules are mere placeholders because they can’t fit “your guess is as good as ours” in the little boxes.

The upside is, since all the flights are equally screwed up, you seldom miss your connection.

I got home just about an hour later than originally planned, and since I do these trips perhaps twice a year, I’d say I have about a 50/50 chance of recovering from this one in time for the next one. With any luck Southwest will fit my schedule best and be cheapest... or maybe it'll be a location served by Amtrak.