Toward a More Balanced Mii

I've never been much of an ice skater. It wasn't something our family really "did", and I was 10 or 11 before I went the first time. So if I had to add it up, I might have skated 30 or 40 times in my whole life. I like it all right but I've never gotten any good at turning. Or stopping. Or, really, going in a straight line (and anything fancy is Right Out).

Despite my almost complete dearth of skills, I have always prided myself on one skating accomplishment: I never fall. I've gotten hurt a few times keeping myself from falling, but I never fall.

I've always used that to claim excellent balance... which unfortunately got blown away recently. I have to confess that, as part of our family's observance of the Holy Season of Christmas, I bought a Wii. And I attempted to justify it to my wife (not to mention myself) by also purchasing a Wii Fit Plus. You know, so I can do that daily workout that only lack of opportunity has prevented up to now.

So I busted it out Christmas night to get to work. First you have to be evaluated, which isn't way more fun than being evaluated in the doctor's office -- the only real advantage is you don't have to be in your underwear (although, on the other hand, nothing's stopping you).

According to the finest medical advice available via an anthropomorphic balance board, I lean a little bit to the left. My BMI was acceptable, although the virtual taskmaster pointed out that I could drop a point or so (i.e. several pounds).

But I really came a cropper when it came time for the balance evaluation.

The balance test works a little like a carpenter’s level: you lean to one side to keep the two bubbles, representing the weight on each side of your body, within a certain range. That is, there might be a rectangle representing 70-80% of your body weight on the left and a corresponding rectangle for 20-30% on the right. If you shift just so, your bubbles land in the target range, then you have to keep it there for 3 seconds.

I thought I was doing OK, but the target ranges got narrower and further unbalanced, and I struggled. The clock ran out and the machine announced to me that it was calculating my Wii Fit Age (while my Mii, the avatar that represents me onscreen, squinted under a spotlight with a drumroll). The Wii Fit Age is supposed to represent the relative fitness of your body – or, in the words of Satchel Paige, “How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you was?” – and mine was revealed to be… 51.

While I was relieved not to come up 79 or something, I was definitely disappointed to be older than my chronological age; needless to say, I repeated the test immediately and got myself down to a more palatable 46.

Since the Wii Fit Plus provides games for improving balance, I thought that in the spirit of self-improvement I’d give them a try. The first was for heading a soccer ball – move your head from side to side to connect with the virtual soccer balls coming at you (while dodging the occasional shoe).

The onscreen instructions remind you to clear enough space and make sure you get warmed up first, but leave out the most important suggestion:

Have your spouse leave the room.

She wasn’t really paying much attention, but as I bobbed & weaved (wove?), seemingly always mixing up my zigging with my zagging, I suppose she couldn’t help noticing. I’d like to think that if she could have helped laughing out loud, she would have, but I imagine the sight of my ineptitude was too much for anyone to bear.

At the end of the round, the verdict, on a scale of 1-4 stars, was one star, officially designating me as: Unbalanced. Which I’m choosing to interpret in a literal sense, but which certainly leaves itself open to alternate explanations.

I wasn’t much better at the other games like slalom skiing, ski jumping, or floating down a winding river in a huge bubble. I did OK in tilting the table to roll the balls into the holes, which got me all the way up to 2 stars – Amateur! – but for the most part, I was certifiably Unbalanced.

Well, there’s two ways you can go with that: “Yeah, what do you know?” or “I’ll show you.”(Option 3, not being affected by a game’s opinion, is not available to an Unbalanced person). I’m going to keep at it in the coming weeks & months, and when I’m all the way past Amateur – or I drive my Wii Fit Age down under “Needs Bifocals”… trust me, it’ll be Stop the Presses news in this space.