A Matter of Some Interest

My memory is far from foolproof -- it was, after all, so Very, Very Long Ago -- but as I recall it, when I went to elementary school they had pretty much all the supplies we needed. It's true that I would not have dreamed of showing up without a well-stocked pencil box, and I fondly remember the binders, notebooks, and TrapperKeepers I used (as a matter of fact, I still have a couple of my grade-school binders. But then, doesn't everyone?). However, when it came to general classroom supplies... as I remember it, they were generally supplied by the classroom.

So I was caught a bit off-guard, even taken aback, when I read my daughter's list of requested supplies for kindergarten. Absent were the pens, pencils, and crayons of days gone by -- in fact, we were specifically enjoined not to send any of these. No, the bulk of her list consisted of: four bottles of hand sanitizer, two boxes of Kleenex, and five packages of baby wipes.

It's not really surprising when Wal-Mart experiences empty shelves at the peak of the August School-Supply Shopping Season... but I really wasn't expecting it to be the shelf that (formerly) held the store-brand baby wipes.

Looking on the bright side, she has no excuse for not being cleaner than she generally is at home.

Of course, budgets are particularly tight for public institutions all over, and all the more so in a town where the original school budget was essentially voted down because the chair of the school board was annoying. We seem to find ourselves targets of "supplemental" fundraising on a regular basis (unfortunately, the "why are we paying taxes?" argument is closed off to me; since our home is owned by the church, we... um... don't actually pay school tax).

The first scam... er, project... of the school year was the well-known Magazine Subscription Sale. This would of course suggest that we send our 7- and 5-year-olds door-to-door through the neighborhood... although it could be problematic, especially considering most of those homes also have their own students selling magazine subscriptions.

Naturally, the sales drive kicks off with an assembly to hype the kids up about all the Fabulous Prizes they'll win, so it's incumbent upon us to at least make a good-faith effort to scare up some sales... and you know what they say, charity begins at home.

I'd really like it to begin somewhere else, but it may be be poor form for my wife to solicit among her parishioners (many of whom, again, already have kids or grandkids); and since I work remotely, I don't think passing the flyer around my office will do the trick.

Unfortunately, our own options are limited by the fact that we already receive at least one copy of every periodical printed in English (with the exception, of course, of the ones which were traditionally mailed in plain brown wrappers). Or so I thought.... Browsing through the list to find publications with which to stick our friends and family, my wife discovered one she thought I needed: Family Handyman.

I read something recently that said anyone using the phrase "wrong on so many levels" should be forced to list them, so allow me to elucidate:

• After all, she's the one with the ideas and the ambition, and the brand-new tools, so why is it I'm the designated fix-it guy anyway?
• Granted my maintenance skills are largely confined to changing batteries and driving picture hooks into the wall, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the idea of an entire subscription devoted to remedying (or remodeling) my shortcomings.
• In any case, I'm pretty satisfied with my skills, such as they are. I consider myself the Ty Pennington of assembly-required furniture. And always remember the Biblical admonition, "From him to whom much has been given, much will be expected."

When I expressed my... lack of enthusiasm... for the notion, she quickly shifted gears and informed me that it didn't have to be home maintenance -- what about something like American history? She really thought it would be beneficial for me to branch out, grow, develop more interests....

I had to really take a pause and a deep breath on that one, lest my voice rise like an American Idol contestant approaching the big finish. There are a lot of things I ought to develop: I should develop a richer spiritual life; it would be great to develop some physical fitness; I daresay there are even some photos around I need to develop. I really don't need any more interests -- to be more interesting, perhaps, but I have about 3 more interests than I can handle as it is:

• reading -- books, magazines, websites
• music -- playing, listening, singing in the choir
• sports -- watching, playing, reading about, fantasy baseball
• puzzles -- crossword or Sudoku
• church -- choir, PowerPoint production

and of course, computer-related pursuits, including a blog you may be familiar with.

In fact, what I'm really interest-ed in is a way to manage all this, plus a family and a... oh yeah, job -- in the allotted 168 per week....