Service Charge

I've had an idea for a blog entry ping-ponging around my head for several weeks, and I'm trying to figure out just why I haven't written it yet. It could be that it's a pretty complex subject and would take a lot of effort to tackle. Or maybe it's because I don't really have enough connected, coherent thoughts to form a fully-realized post.

I sorta suspect, however, that the reason I haven't written it yet is because it will end up saying things that I don't really want to say about myself. That's despite the fact that I've been willing since the start to be honest, I think (even when I don't come out the hero)... but then again, what are the odds that someone with a blog would be comfortable talking about himself?

Of course, I'm always a bit self-reflective. I am by nature, and the blog emphasizes it. So I have to admit that, depending on the day, recent events, how much sleep I've gotten, and the phase of the moon, I sometimes catch myself feeling a bit put-upon.

The nature of marriage requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice, obviously, and the way we've allotted our responsibilities probably puts a little more "domestic burden" on me than the average husband (although: beware of comparing yourself to those around you!). Some of that is built-in to being a pastor's spouse; I'll always have "extra" evening duties, and weekends are not as carefree as they might be in other households. Just recently I hit a stretch of Solo Bedtime Duties, and it seemed they all devolved into a whirlwind of tears, tantrums, hollering... and the kids didn't behave too well either.

You know I'm always going to make that joke. But the point I was making (before I spoiled it) was that even that one hour daily made me feel miserable & exhausted.

Plus there's the "public" or "church" part of the spouse gig. I like being part of the church, and doing my part, but I'm also a convenient target for tasks others don't want or last-minute stuff... if only because of my physical proximity. I'm always there anyway! And when I'm not, I'm just across the road!

If you're still reading after all that, the point of this is not to be Whiny McWhinerson. What I'm getting at is this:

For me, there's always this constant inner wrestling match over the Stuff I Do. Do I push back and say, "No, this is too much"? Do I push through and do everything... then indulge myself in grumbling and hey-look-at-me, why aren't you appreciating me more?

Or do I see it as an opportunity for servanthood?

And I'm not just setting up an easy target here. The self-aggrandizing conclusion is, "Of course, it's an honor & privilege to serve", blah blah blah -- but the truth is my answer changes day to day. In fact, there are lots of days I'm convinced the right (even Christian) thing to do is to say, "for everyone's sake, things should be different."

But seemingly as soon as I get comfy with that, I start being nagged by Philippians chapter 2:

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who,
being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!

And you know, I probably shouldn't quote Scripture (especially the Apostle Paul) in a blog... unless I want to illustrate what it really means to get to the point in a hurry.