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I have to admit that I'm a big fan of reality shows. That probably sounds like it ought to qualify me for the Washington's Birthday Sale on lobotomies, but in truth I'm a little more discriminating than that.

I prefer the shows that feature people who can actually do something, competing with their talents, to those that are about trying to balance on a log or live in a house with a bunch of strangers. My personal jury is still out on the newest one, Top Design, but I have been an avid viewer of Project Runway, the just-concluded Top Chef, and (to a lesser degree) America's Next Top Model. Ironically, I've never been a huge American Idol fan, which probably has its origin in the same contrarian streak in me that had the school-aged Mark wearing doubleknits while all those around me wore jeans.

Combining my interest in reality shows with my son's well-documented fondness for Food Network makes me the ideal audience for The Next Food Network Star, which combines Top Chef with challenges that assess the chef's TV-hosting skills. Part of the swag associated with winning that contest is hosting an actual program on the Food Network. And while I'm pretty sure I don't have the skills to succeed on either side of the competition, I still enjoyed envisioning what my program might look like....

The more I imagined the outcome, however, the more I realized: digital cable may have brought about an explosion of cable networks but I'd be hard-pressed to think of one that would be right for my version of "Cooking With Dad".

Actually, maybe the Sci-Fi Network would enjoy the part where we're cooking along peacefully and suddenly the calm is rent by the bloodcurdling shriek of my daughter pounding up the stairs from the playroom screaming bloody murder (hotly pursued by my son wailing that he didn't do it). Believe me, it's the kind of thing that blows out the sound engineer's eardrums.

There might be a few other features of the program that would be a tough sell. I might not make very good eye contact with the camera, considering I'm almost always either reading or doing a puzzle (whether crossword or Sudoku) while I'm cooking. And we'd have to take frequent commercial breaks so I can answer the phone and take messages for The Pastor.

Because of all three of the above issues, I tend to find it a challenge to get the whole thing done in a 30-minute timeslot; on TV, we could edit out the dead spots. I can tell you that my family would really enjoy having the meals come out right on time every night!

I should probably also mention that I might have a hard time sustaining an ongoing series with my somewhat... ah, "limited" culinary range (does frozen ravioli count as a recipe?) -- not to mention that my frequent reliance on cheese, cream, butter, etc. would probably leave most of my viewers dead or recuperating from bypass surgery before the season was over. But hey, it works for Paula Deen.