Going Cold Turkey

Doctors and addiction experts will probably dispute this, but I’m beginning to think that you can be addicted to anything. It seems to me that an addiction could probably stem from anything from which you get some kind of rush or positive feedback.

Of course, that doesn’t explain blogging. Long before I ever created the blog, I found it absorbing my thoughts. It even screwed up my Christmas list – anyone know where I can get a waterproof laptop? Seems like I always have my best ideas in the shower, and I don’t just think of a topic; I tend to think in paragraphs. Unfortunately most of those words go down the drain with the last of the water.

Perhaps the most insidious addiction I’ve tangled with, however – the substance most in need of controlling – is karaoke.

I had tried karaoke a couple of times in the past and really enjoyed it. I’m a pretty good singer, I love to sing, and I have as much hambone in me as the next guy. Even with all that, I never really dreamed it would take over my life, but truthfully I’m still a bit in withdrawal after my recent experience. In October our family took a cruise, and it turns out that cruise ships are a seething, teeming breeding ground for karaoke.

I really thought I’d go in, do my thing, and move on … but do you think anyone figures, “If I take one drink, I’m going to end up alcoholic”?

People got up, they sang, they were good, bad or indifferent, the crowd clapped, next…. So I wasn’t expecting my turn to be any different. But when I got done, the crowd… well, they kinda went wild. Which was cool enough, but it just snowballed from there.

I sang a second song later that night, and got another enthusiastic reception. Unsurprisingly, I began to think: maybe I should come back here. Then as I was walking around the ship, people would recognize me. “Hey Mark, that was great – are you going to be singing tonight?” I quickly rearranged my schedule to make sure I could be there –literally sneaking out (with my wife’s cooperation) after the kids were asleep.

Later in the week, we were walking around Halifax, Nova Scotia, on one of our port days. A group of women spotted me with my wife on the sidewalk and came rushing over. One of them asked me for my autograph, and another one said, “When you sang, I wanted to throw my bra at you!”

I’ve done stage shows and performed music for years, and I’ve gotten my share of compliments, but I’ve never experienced groupies. Before I knew it, I was basically scheming to be there at every opportunity. And our cabin, which was small enough to begin with, was beginning to be a bit of a tight fit for my head.

The oddest effect was not that I began to crave the attention and applause; it really messed with my head with regard to the music itself. I kept going through the book, looking for the perfect song to give the crowd the exact same kind of sound they had “loved” me for originally. I always have 100% confidence in my singing ability, but I was afraid that a song that didn’t allow me to show off wouldn’t be good enough.

As the week went on, however, even my immense talent and personal magnetism weren’t enough to keep the crowds from dwindling. It’s probably best that I had the opportunity to taper off instead of going cold turkey – there’s no karaoke machine, and no crowds, at our house. I have to confess, though, I still think at least once a week: if I get another chance, what will I sing? I wonder where I could go for rehab…

Motivational Speech

I belong to an e-mail list made up of a number of ministers and laypeople in my area. Most of the time (like most people, I suspect) I just lurk. A couple of years ago, however, a topic came up I couldn’t stay out of… no matter how hard I tried.

Never mind what the issue was; as the mails & responses progressed, it became clear that the Majority Opinion was at odds with mine. This did not surprise me – and it also eliminated any temptation I had (at first) to get involved in the discussion. I know I’m in the minority, so I saw no need to “out” myself as an oddball.

Gradually the tone shifted from “we’re right” to “they’re wrong”. After that there were assertions that anyone who disagreed was trying to take over the church for their own nefarious purposes.

Can you see what happened here? It’s not enough for me to be right; my position has to be the one that any right-thinking person would take. In fact, it’s not enough for me to disagree with your conclusions – even your motives must be called into question.

I got a strong sense of déjà vu not long ago, watching the news: the President and some of his administration began accusing anyone who dares to criticize the war policy of being unpatriotic and of aiding the enemy. I notice that they backtracked from that position pretty quickly, but it’s clearly not an accident that several people close to the Administration said pretty much the same thing at the same time.

In the case of the e-mail thread, I finally did post. I didn’t bother trying to defend my position, or even explain it – I’m sure everyone drew instant conclusions as to what “side” I was on. My point was, I may disagree with you 100%, and I may battle tooth and nail to see my viewpoint become the accepted wisdom… but I will not commit the error – the sin, if you prefer – of assuming that anyone who disagrees with me has questionable motives. A civilized society, not to mention a church, can’t survive that way.

A&E – Sine Qua Noel

I am a creature of habit, a man of routine, a devotee of structure and rules. As such, the way commercial culture treats holidays – particularly Christmas – makes me very unsettled.

I really can’t see why the “Christmas season” has to start in October, or whenever it is when the sales and advertisements and all that commence. For me, one of the most exciting days of the year is the day after Thanksgiving. Not because it’s Black Friday, the start of the Christmas Shopping Playoffs. The day after Thanksgiving is the day I begin listening to Christmas music.

It’s kind of exciting in a way – it’s the one time of the year you hear a preponderance of music that talks about Jesus across the radio dial. I have a pretty good collection of Christian Christmas music, both the traditional carols and contemporary tunes. If I had to pick one album to recommend, it would be “The Music of Christmas” by Steven Curtis Chapman.

One musical topic that fascinates me is trying to list the essential Christmas songs and artists. I’ve been working on the list for years. I kind of take the carols for granted -- my real interest is in the “secular” Christmas favorites.

For example, clearly the state of the art is “The Christmas Song” – but only the Nat “King” Cole version. In this contest the artist is as important as the song; they come as an entry. Do you suppose Mel Torme’ gave it that title because he knew it would be the definitive one?

The following are some of the other titles and artists – in no particular order – that help define the Christmas season for me:

• White Christmas, Bing Crosby – for many years the best-selling single of all time. A song unbelievably well-suited to that mellow crooner style.
• Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Bruce Springsteen – this is the 30th anniversary of the famous live recording, but not released as a single till 10 years later. Probably the Christmas song that most sounds like the band is enjoying it.
• Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Gene Autry – there are other famous versions but something about the ol’ Singing Cowboy just fits.
• Sleigh Ride, Cincinnati Pops – the only instrumental version on my list. I don’t mind the vocal versions, but the Pops version just has a really Christmasy feeling to me.
• Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth, Bing Crosby & David Bowie – I haven’t Googled this, but my educated guess is that this song from Bing’s last Christmas special was the only time that the words “Bing Crosby” and “David Bowie” were used in the same sentence. If you remember anything about Bowie’s career at that time, it’s hard to imagine they were on the same planet, much less in the same room – and singing together besides.
• Most Wonderful Time of the Year, Andy Williams – Return with me once more to the bygone days of variety shows, and their corresponding Christmas specials. Can’t you just see Andy surrounded by a bunch of fresh-faced youngsters in bulky sweaters, as the phony snow gently drifts to the pretend earth? Whatever happened to those days?
• Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree, Brenda Lee / Jingle Bell Rock, Bobby Helms – I think of these two as a joint entry. In fact, I suspect if you play one of them backwards, you get the other one. Really, I can take or leave them, but I’m including them to show I’m hip enough to include some of that new-fangled rock ‘n’ roll music.
• Happy Xmas / War is Over, John Lennon – I didn’t realize till today that the single also credits the infamous Plastic Ono Band. As far as I can tell, Yoko herself is not in evidence, which I take to be evidence that John wasn’t quite as much of a curmudgeon as he’s being made out to be.
• Wonderful Christmastime, Paul McCartney – A fairly neat illustration of all those John vs. Paul comparisons that are not necessarily complimentary to the surviving one.
• Merry Christmas Darling, Carpenters – Did you know Karen Carpenter wasn’t considered much of a singer when she started her career? It was never hip, but I just love their sound. It’s a lot like taking a bath in warm caramel… or so I’m told, at least.
• Please Come Home for Christmas, Eagles – this must be the section for the unhappy songs. In fairness, Don Henley’s one of those guys who can sing the phone book and make it sound great. Look for his CD of the Anaheim Yellow Pages.
• Blue Christmas, Elvis Presley – I have to admit, I’m probably not the biggest fan around. And it’s not honestly that well-sung, I don’t think (can you listen to that opening line without snickering?). Still, hard to imagine the Christmas season without it.
• Do They Know It’s Christmas, Band Aid – this is the song that originated the trend of celebrities donating your money to charity. Ever notice that? They donate their “valuable time and talents”, but we’re the ones footing the bill.
• Last Christmas, Wham! – I’m pretty sure there’s a joke here somewhere, but I’m not sure it’s worth it.
• Christmas Wrapping, The Waitresses – the most underrated song on this list and the one you are least likely to hear pouring forth from your car radio. But infectiously likable nonetheless. Rap for us middle-aged suburban white guys who have no ambition to “bust a cap” on anyone.
  

I left out a couple of well-known ones, on purpose. In particular, there’s one with “Grandma” in the title, which I shall not name aloud but which should be eliminated from the earth forever. The Beach Boys have a couple of famous ones that are pretty lightweight in my estimation. And I don’t think a few other songs like “Frosty” really have a definitive version, unless perhaps you collect Jimmy Durante albums.

After all, isn’t this the reason behind a blog? I get to spout my opinions, and no one can stop me.

Post #1 - This Is Me

As anyone can plainly see, there are not enough blogs in the world, so why not add one more? Besides that, I have two children, so at least I’m accustomed to being ignored when I say something.

I would guess that any blog has to begin by attempting to justify its existence, or at least to display the author’s relevant credentials. When I was gearing up to start this, I considered all the different parts of my life:

• I’m a husband (for 18 years) and a father (two kids, 6 and 3). Of course, I’ve found that I know a lot less about being married and being a father than I used to “before”. I probably won’t be posting any “how-tos”, but maybe my vast readership can help me.
• I’m a Christian and active in my church. I believe that God and faith issues are worth thinking about and even interesting. If it doesn’t turn out that way, it’s me that’s not interesting – not God.
• I’m currently gasping for oxygen because baseball season’s over. I’ve been a baseball fan – and it’s no coincidence that the word “fan” comes from “fanatic” -- for as long as I can remember, with a particular passion for the Mets. That’s put me in a good spot to enjoy some extreme highs and lows over the years! In addition, I run a fantasy baseball league. I like to think about baseball from a lot of different angles.
• I have a longstanding interest in things cultural. OK, mostly I love TV and I love to read. I intend to write about what I enjoy (and don’t), and why. As for movies, I like a good flick as much as the next guy, but I had to make a choice between going to movies and having kids.
• I’m a musician. That’s a slight exaggeration; I play the guitar, but I’m mostly a musician in my head. In my fingers I’m more of a hack. I do love to sing, and I’m sure I’ll be writing about the hidden dangers of karaoke.
• I have a strong streak of nostalgia, which manifests itself in a lot of different ways. I like to read history – particularly recent cultural history, the kind of work that gives a sense of what it was like to live in a certain time & place. Other times, I like to watch those TVLand documentaries on old shows. And sometimes, I just sit around and obsess about old girlfriends.
• I’ve always enjoyed writing, although I’m a mathematician by training and a computer programmer by profession. I actually do a bit of technical writing in my current position, which isn’t as much fun as programming, but it’s something I can do pretty well. I won’t make any extravagant claims about the quality of my writing, but I will promise correct grammar and punctuation. Of course, from some of the blogs I’ve reviewed lately, that may be against the rules.

I know that in the blogosphere I’m in trouble because I can’t be pigeonholed. I’ll just go into the “General Topic” dumpster with everyone else who can’t make up their minds what to write about. But in any case I intend to go down swinging!